The Trapper Class
by sjosten
Summary: Another story about a female tenth class. Yes yes, it is played out, but it can occasionally be done right. This one is about a Cajun girl who's talent is for making traps to catch up the enemy team. Note: There will be no, read it: NO romances in this story at all. Sorry to Scout, but this is not going to be one of those stories.
1. Chapter 1

The BLU team was getting tired. A week ago, it seemed like a great idea to hire a tenth mercenary to give them an edge against the REDs. Now, it was like they had come up with their own personal hell. A scant few of the people they had seen actually knew how to use a gun, and those that did wouldn't be much help on a battlefield. As the Spy cleared the last of the forms from the last candidate off the table, the doors flew open. In walked a sexy young woman with long honey blond hair and an AK-47 strapped to her back. She was dressed in what looked like a blue school girl's uniform. As she looked at each member of the BLU team, they felt as if she was looking at their very souls.

"Hello, I'm Stefani Diamond Mi Amore Cadenza Picard Hale Anne Marie. You can call me the Hunter. I'm trained in thirty different forms of martial arts, can shoot every gun on the market, and am the daughter of the ambassador to Australia." She said, handing the team her forms. They looked over the papers for a bit before arriving at their decision.

"Missy, this isn't going to happen." Soldier said.

"Ye creep us out lass." Demo said.

"And it's implausible to be descended from every nationality in the world." Medic chimed in.

"I don't know guys, she's pretty hot. I mean, pretty qualified. We should let Suzy in." Scout said.

"Scout, you little root rat, just stop. We don't care how attractive you think she is mate." Sniper said.

"You think I'm attractive?" Asked 'the Hunter.'

"It isn't exactly an exclusive list." Spy said.

"Shut up ya sneak!" Scout yelled.

"Would y'all shut up for one goddamned second? Now look miss, I'm sure you think you're more than good to go, but we aren't looking for someone with your abilities." Engineer said.

"Those abilities of course being ze power to distract ze Scout and make horrible fake histories." Spy said.

"Fake? That wasn't fake!" Stefani said.

"You said zat you're secretly the Pyro's sister, then wrote 'shush don't tell him.'" Medic pointed out. Pyro began to completely flip out.

"Goodbye tiny girl." Heavy said as he pushed her over to the door.

After a few minutes of Soldier, Pyro, and Heavy physically throwing her out of the room, the team began cleaning up the mess Stefani left behind.

"Alright, that is it! We cannot keep doing this!" Soldier declared.

"You'd rather keep losing to the REDs?" Sniper asked.

"Eh, so the bastards've been lucky lately, we'll still show 'em. Right lads?" Demoman said.

"How about zis: Ve vork in shifts. Half the team vill stay here for now, the other half vill go avay for a vhile. Zen, ze second half vill return to take ze first half's place." Medic reasoned.

"What if first half finds new comrade?" Heavy asked.

"Flag their file, tell zem they did well, send zem out until the second half gets back." Spy said as he walked out.

"Sounds good to me." Demo said as he followed.

"Vell, I haven't had lunch yet, so I'll go too." Medic said.

"Doktor, I saw great sandvich stand nearby, we should go!" Heavy said as he rushed out the door.

"So, it's down to us then?" Engineer asked, looking around the room. Pyro had slipped out unnoticed, but Scout, Sniper, and Soldier were waiting for the next audition.

"Yep. Send 'em in private." Soldier said.

Two hours later, only Pyro had returned. Between the five BLUs left, they had still hadn't managed to find a worthwhile recruit. Scout was the only one enjoying himself, seeing as most of the prospective fighters were attractive girls in tight clothing, but the others were quick to point out how useless they all would have been in a fight.

"Come on, that last one coulda been a distraction at least!" Scout said as yet another girl walked out.

"She'd be a corpse 'fore she could distract anyone." Engineer said.

"Why are they all girls? I would have thought at least one guy woulda come in." Sniper wondered.

"A few did, they were just too girly for you to notice the difference." Engineer said. Pyro seemed to nod in agreement.

"I swear, if this next one doesn't have something between their legs, I'm leaving." Soldier said. Sure enough, a scrawny young girl walked in.

"As commanding officer, I am dismissing myself. If any of you need me, I will be looking for the Demoman so I can drag him back to base." Soldier said as he set off to find his most likely drunk friend.

"What was his problem?" The girl asked in a Louisiana accent. She was short, even more than the scout, and lean with short red hair and a slim frame. She was a far cry from the models that came in earlier, and it clearly bothered Scout.

"Soldier? He's an ass." Scout said.

"Don't mind them. What's your name?" Engineer asked.

"You ain't gonna tell me yours, I ain't gonna tell you mine. Call me Trapper." The girl said.

"She's an ass too." Scout said.

"Oh yeah, can't wait to work with you." Trapper said.

"Oh out a sock in it you two. Let's get this over with. Why should we hire you?" Sniper asked.

"I can catch anything alive." Trapper boasted.

"Well ain't that nice? Don't suppose ya got anything to back that up?" Sniper asked.

"You sound like an Aussie cher, I think you'll like this." Trapper said as she produced a small box. In it was an assortment of various alligator teeth.

"What's cher mean?" Scout whispered to his teammates.

"Darling." Sniper replied.

"Or cockroach." Engineer added.

"What'cha whispering about?" Trapper said, suddenly much closer than she had been a moment before.

"Ah! What the hell?" Scout shouted.

"No, wait, I see it now." Sniper said, "She's obnoxious, skinny, speaks French, tries to outdo me, and sneaky."

"Oh, I get it. Real funny Spy." Scout said.

"What?" Trapper asked.

"Boys, I don't think she's Spy. Her handwriting's too awful. Might be Medic with a disguise kit though." Engineer said as he looked over Trapper's forms.

"Gee thanks. Look, am I in or not?" Trapper asked impatiently.

"Put it to a vote. All in favor?" Engineer asked. Pyro raised his hand, followed shortly by Sniper.

"Hang on what?" Scout asked.

"Listen, we'll be right back." Engineer said as he scooted his chair back. Scout, Sniper, and Pyro followed suit before they all leaned in closer to each other.

"What the hell Stretch? I thought you said she's like Spy. You hate Spy." Scout whispered.

"Yeah, but she ain't Spy. Look at her, she's some Sheila who thinks she can catch something. I say we test her out first." Sniper said in an equally hushed tone.

"Is this because of the teeth Slim? I'd a thought you wouldn't fall for some corny little trick like that." Engineer said.

"First off, I wouldn't. Secondly, those ain't a trick. I've seen croc teeth, and they're pretty damn close to what she's got." Sniper said.

"If they're only close why do we care?" Scout asked.

"Shss frm Lusanna. Thrr allugettrrs, nt crcudls." Pyro said.

"What?" Scout asked.

"I think he said it's cause she'd be wrasslin' gators instead of crocs." Engineer said.

"I swear Truckie, you spend too much time with Pyro if you actually understand what he's saying." Sniper said.

"Team bonding aside, do you even know what she says she can do? The way she wrote it up, sounds like she's got my toolbox strapped to her back." Engineer said. All four mercs looked at the backpack Trapper was wearing. It was decent, but it wasn't as big as Engineer's toolbox.

"Alright, what's she say she can do?" Sniper asked.

"Plant tripwires, mines, and something that sounds like the love-child of my sentry and Medic's needle gun." Engineer said.

"You lost me at love-child." Scout said.

"Basically, she says she's like a mix of me and Demo. Does that sound remotely helpful to you?" Engineer asked.

"Yeah." "You bet mate." "Mm Hmm."

"So all three of you say yes?" Engineer asked.

"Sounds like it hard hat." Scout said.

"Alrighty then, I guess I'm outvoted. Good luck getting the others to side with you though." Engineer said as he moved his chair back, "Congratulations little miss, they think you'd be good."

"Woohoo! When do I start?" Trapper asked.

"As soon as the rest of the team agrees." Engie said.

"That's bullshit." Trapper said.

"You know, maybe she's more like Scout than Spy." Sniper said.

"Think that means I'll score?" Scout asked.

"For the sake of your sanity, you might wanna skedaddle." Engineer advised.

After another hour, Heavy and Medic finally returned. By then, the line of prospective BLUs had been reduced to a handful of people. It only took half an hour at most to clear them out. When the six mercenaries got back to base, they found Soldier lecturing Demoman and Spy. Unfortunately for Spy, he looked to be mostly sober for this.

"Ah, the troops have returned from battle. Any new recruits yet?" Soldier asked.

"Nein. Ve'll go over the ones that vere flagged for later after dinner." Medic said.

"Gee doc, after that long lunch break o' yours, I'm surprised you're still hungry." Engineer said, clearly bitter about Medic not having been there for so long.

"Heh heh. Um, how about I make everyone steaks ya?" Medic said, trying to appease the four angry, armed men who he left to deal with a long line of idiots for hours. After dinner, the team sat down to go over anyone who had been put aside.

"So, let me get zis straight, zis one is trained in automatic weapons, can wield a combat knife, and has former military experience?" Spy asked as he looked over the latest file.

"And he has a full set of camouflage for various environments." Engie said.

"Vonderful." Medic said.

"He's also a condescending prick." Sniper said.

"I don't care, so long as he's a good fighter." Soldier said.

"What? You're the one who threw shovel at his head when he insulted your rocket launcher." Scout pointed out.

"Yes, I did do that. You see… he is a communist, we should not let him in." Soldier said, suddenly switching sides.

"That's odd, I could've sworn we all said not to pick this one. All of 'cept the Scout at least." Sniper said as he held up another folder full of information.

"Gee, wonder how that got there." Scout said, inching away from his teammates.

"According to this, she can't use a weapon, has an IQ of 'this question is hard' and her most prized skill is 'hawtness.'" Engineer said, leaning over to look at the folder.

"Team already has Pyro. Does not need more heat." Heavy said.

"Don't think that's what she meant lad." Demo said in one of the short bursts of consciousness he had between alcohol induced sleep.

"Oh. Oh! Ooh." Heavy said, the actual meaning dawning on him.

"Yes, vell, let's forget about zhat one." Medic said.

"Hey, here's that trap one." Scout said, pulling the next folder off the pile.

"Lemme see that Scout. Louisiana, tripwire, mines. No sale." Soldier said.

"Hmm?" Pyro asked.

"The battlefield is no place for a little girl." Soldier said.

"Zhen why is Scout here?" Spy asked, drawing laughs from everyone except Scout.

"Real funny asshole. Sully, all the files left are for girls. There were only like ten guys all day." Scout said.

"No. Place. For. A. Girl." Soldier emphasized.

"She seems qualified. Herr Engineer, do zhese plans look like zhey vould vork?" Medic asked, passing a few papers over to Engie.

"They'd work. Wouldn't do too much damage, but they'd work." Engineer said.

"May I?" Spy asked, "Let's see. Oh merde, a Cajun. I must say zhough, her ideas are not as awful as some of the ozers I have seen."

"So, is she in?" Scout asked.

"Ve vill see. Zhose in favor of letting in, vhat vas it, Trapper? Yes, zhat vas it. Zhose in favor of letting Trapper join us, raise your hand." Medic said, raising his arm. He was joined by Pyro, Sniper, Scout, and Spy.

"You three are opposed?" Medic asked. Heavy, Soldier, and Engie nodded.

"Heavy, you have been quiet. Vhy don't you zhink it's a good idea?" Medoc asked.

"Is little girl. Don't want to have to kill her when RED gets their own." Heavy said.

"Don't worry, I'll do it for you." Spy said with a grin. It earned him a quick blow to the head that sent him sprawling backwards.

"Heavy!" Medic scolded.

"Nah, he earned it Doc. Personally, I think she's too similar to me and Demo." Engineer said.

"Only as close as Demo is to Sully." Sniper said, causing Soldier to glare at him.

"No. Girls." Soldier repeated.

"Looks like that's gonna change pal." Engineer said as he got up, "I'll call her tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

Trapper was ecstatic. BLU team had decided to let her join, and they were already headed to a battle. Granted, she was taking the bus there, but that would change soon. After she did this gig as a mercenary, Trapper would be jetting around the country and buying fancy foods and all the other things expert warriors probably did. First though, she would have to survive the day. She had checked her gear more times than she could count, and despite the weird looks she got from the lady sitting across from her, Trapper made sure it all shined. Every landmine sparkled like it came out of a commercial for detergent, every tripwire was clean as floss. As she reloaded her pistol a fourth time, Trapper's bus arrived. Gorge looked amazing. A secret research facility, and it was hers for the taking. Scout was waiting for her when she stepped off the bus

"Where's everyone else?" Trapper asked.

"Still coming, bunch of snails." Scout said.

"Why are you here already then?" Trapper asked.

"I got here the same way I do everything else." Scout said, heading toward the battlefield, "I ran."

The rest of the team arrived quickly. Not quickly enough for Scout to not irritate them, but still quickly. Once everyone was there, the team walked into the large concrete room that was their base. There were big rusty gates blocking them off from the rest of Gorge.

"How do we get out?" Trapper asked.

"The REDs are a bunch of pansies. They cannot hold us back for long." Soldier said.

"Gates will open soon. RED just setting up." Heavy said. Sure enough, the RED Demoman walked out and started shooting sticky bombs at the exits. A few moments later, the gates opened. Scout was out first, narrowly avoiding being blown to bits by the Demoman. Sniper took off the Scotsman's head with a well-placed bullet. Unfortunately, as the Heavy and Medic charged out, the RED Sniper proved he was just as skilled. Medic went down, and Heavy started tearing apart the Sniper's nest. He had too much cover though, and the minigun wasn't doing much. Just then, a blue shimmer appeared behind the Sniper. Before the Australian could react, he had a knife shoved between his vertebrae.

"What are you waiting for? Let's cap that point!" Scout shouted as he appeared again, apparently having found a health kit. The BLU team surged forward. Trapper ran into the nearest building, getting a good view of the battlefield. The REDs had a good defense set up. The Medic was building his ubercharge, something that took quite a bit of explaining for Trapper to understand, with the Heavy. The Engineer had a fully built Sentry, a Dispenser, and a whirring Teleporter all grouped near the RED base. The others were scattered around the field, shooting at the BLUs as they peeked out to see what was going on. That's when Trapper heard a loud noise behind her. She spun around to see the RED Spy, knife in hand, hovering behind her.

"Bonjour. Why are you here?" The Spy asked as he leveled a revolver at Trapper's head. It was long with some kind of engraving on the barrel.

"Just taking in the view." Trapper tried. She knew it wasn't going to work. As Spy opened his mouth to reply, there was the boom of a gunshot. The Spy fell over, dead. Behind him was the BLU Engineer, shotgun in hand.

"Taking in the view?" He asked.

"Well, I sort of was." Trapper said.

"Listen, much as I hate to say, we probably won't be too helpful right now. Just wait 'til they cap the point, and then we can set up some defenses." Engineer said. When he turned around to grab an ammo pack, Trapper ran out the door. She pulled out her own shotgun, ready to shoot the first RED she saw to bits. They were already down three, so it shouldn't be too hard. Of course, Trapper managed to run right into the RED Heavy's bullets, going down quickly. She hit the dirt, clutching her sides. Blood was oozing out onto the ground. Before her life could even begin flashing before her eyes, Trapper had died.

Then she hadn't. She was alive again, back in the BLU base. Sniper was as well, pulling a jar out of the resupply cabinet.

"Died huh?" He asked.

"What happened?" Trapper asked as she looked over herself. As far as she could tell, there was no evidence of her grisly death.

"Respawn mate. When we bite the dust, we get up and ask for seconds." Sniper said as he walked out the door.

Trapper followed, running right back to where she and Engie had been. While she was dying, Engineer had set up a level two Sentry and a small Dispenser.

"Howdy. Wanna try again? Maybe this time y'all can walk over a sticky bomb." Engie teased.

"I didn't see it around the corner." Trapper said.

"Whatever you say. Scout and Demo are on the point, why don't you go help 'em out? I'll set up a teleporter in case they get you again." Engie said, pulling metal out of the dispenser. Trapper did as he suggested. The area was clear now, save the point, Scout and Demo, and the dozen or so dead bodies lying around.

"What did you guys do?" Trapper asked as she climbed up onto the point.

"Well, I ran out here, pistol ready, unloaded a clip in the Heavy's-" Scout started.

"Yeah sure lad. We got lucky and didn't get shot. Soldier would be here too, but their Sniper took off 'is head. Shot three grenades into 'is face to get 'im back." Demo said. As they chatted, a ding erupted across the battlefield, accompanied by the light above the point turning blue.

"Woohoo! Let's go!" Scout said, running to the RED base. He was promptly blown up by a rocket launcher.

"Ah!" Trapper yelled as she ducked down. She propped up a wooden dart shooter to use as cover. It wouldn't last long, but it would keep her safe temporarily.

"Nice lass." Demo said, ducking behind the same dart shooter as he shot grenades at the soldier.

"Thanks. Did you get him?" Trapper asked. Just then, a rocket soared overhead, wrapped in a bright red glow, "I'll take that as a no."

"Move cowards!" Heavy shouted as he and Medic arrived again. The rockets seemed to have no effect on the fat man.

"You will not kill me! I will only come back Aaah!" The Soldier screamed as his stomach was filled with minigun bullets.

"Come on little lady! Time for us to get to work." Engie said as he lugged a large blue toolbox out to the RED base. As it deployed in the entrance, a level three Sentry set up, ready to gun down whatever got in its way. As luck would have it, four rockets shot out of the machine, and a RED Scout corpse flew through the air.

The BLU team, now with Soldier, Pyro, and Spy back, charged into the RED base. Between the fire, bullets, explosives, and a certain knife, they got right outside the last point with no problems. That's when things got harder. The last point was in a large, easily defended room. The BLUs could barely get closer without getting shot at.

"Alright missy, it is time to see what you can do." Soldier said, pushing Trapper ahead. As she ducked behind a crate to avoid a Sentry's rockets, Trapper started trying to think of a plan. She wasn't set up for offensive pushes, she was a defender. Proxy mines and tripwires weren't much help if they couldn't be thrown. All that left her was her shotgun, machete, and pistol. That wasn't enough to take down a Spy, it sure as hell wouldn't take down a sentry.

"I can't do anything if the Sentry is there." Trapper admitted.

"Give me a moment." Spy said as he disappeared. Trapper peeked out from behind her cover in time to see a mysteriously friendly Pyro apply a sapper to the Sentry gun. When the RED Engineer ran over, the Pyro backstabbed him before he could remove the sapper. Spy lost the disguise, but was quick enough to get out alive.

"There," Spy said, materializing next to Trapper, "now what is your plan?"

"To be honest cher? I don't know." Trapper said, crawling out from her cover. She hid her weapons and ran into the last room.

"Help! There are crazy men with weapons chasin' me!" She screamed. Almost instantly, the Heavy and Soldier lowered their weapons.

"Is little girl! Must have respawned after I…" Heavy said.

"Civilians don't respawn. It's the Spy trying to pull one over on us." The Sniper said.

"To be fair, ve have not tested zhat theory." Medic said.

"Mmph?" Pyro offered.

"No! We are not going to kill this little girl maggot! Girl! Get over here! Stand in front of me." Soldier said. Trapper complied. She walked over, a mere few feet from the point she was trying to cap. She needed a plan before anyone decided to test the whole 'civilians don't respawn' idea. She spotted an ammo crate in the corner. There was no health box next to it, which gave Trapper an idea.

"I'm gonna go bandage my leg. I think that one in the mask hit me." Trapper lied. Sniper seemed much more interested now.

"Damn spook! Shooting little girls! I'm gonna go cut the wanker up." Sniper said, walking to the door with a rusty kukri. Trapper walked over to the corner and pulled out one of her mines. Fortunately, she had grabbed an empty health box earlier for this reason. Alright, maybe not this exact reason, but close enough. If she put one of her mines in the health box, it would look close enough to the real thing to fool one of the REDs. There was only one problem: She was in with them. The explosion didn't have too big a radius, but she might still be too close. She walked back to Soldier, hoping it was just far enough away.

"Didn't you say you were patchin' up yer leg?" Engineer asked. Looking down, Trapper realized she forgot that part. In fact, there wasn't even a bullet hole in her jeans.

"You're right cher I did. However, I um… sewed up my jeans instead?" Trapper tried. She really needed to work on her cover stories. As the REDs aimed their weapons at Trapper, a shout went out through the room.

"If God had wanted you to live He would not have created ME!" BLU Soldier yelled as he rocket jumped onto the RED Heavy. Thanks to the strange metal boots he wore, that was enough for Soldier to kill his enemy. Only a few steps behind him, the rest of the BLUs came in, guns blazing. The RED Scout, desperate to survive, ran over to Trapper's explosive health box. What resulted was an explosion that threw everyone nearby against the opposite wall. Trapper was bleeding badly, but the rest of her team was unaffected. Heavy tossed Trapper his sandvich and got back to punching all the blood out of the RED Demoman.

"Now that was a bomb!" BLU Demo said, walking over to Trapper, "Brings a tear to me eye."

"Neat. Hey, which one of those Engineers is a spy?" Trapper asked, pointing at the two BLU Engineers that seemed to both be mercilessly beating a Dispenser outside.

"Good eye. I'll be right back." Demo said, running to help Engie.

Within minutes, the BLUs had been reduced to Heavy, Engineer, Trapper, and Sniper. The RED team however, didn't have a single man left alive. The BLUs had won the day, taking Gorge and all its technology.

"We did it?" Trapper asked as the rest of her team shot down the defenseless RED team.

"You better believe it! So, wanna see me with my shirt off?" Scout asked.

"Is that something you normally ask?" Trapper asked.

"Only girls as pretty as you." Scout flirted.

"Scout, I'm covered in dirt, soot, and blood from various people. You're graspin' at straws." Trapper said.

"So, no victory date?" Scout asked.

"And here I thought I left fellas like you back in Louisiana." Trapper said, walking into the RED respawn room. It was different from the cave-like room that BLU used. This one was small, and looked a bit like an office. It had a desk and chair, a water cooler, two big exits out into the base, and the resupply cabinet. Sniper and Soldier were already brewing coffee.

"So, now what?" Trapper asked.

"We wait for orders. Until then, we have control of the RED base." Soldier said.

"Great! Should I look around for secret files or something?" Trapper asked.

"Naw, that's Doublecross. In Gorge, we just stop the wankers from getting a foothold." Sniper said.

"More importantly, we get to relax for a few days in one of the few nice bases we go to." Spy said as he walked in.

"That's it?" Trapper asked.

"About. Now, if you don't mind, I'll be washing the bits of Scout out of my hair." Sniper said before walking off. So, her first day mostly a success, Trapper decided to take a look around.


End file.
